How I cope

I cry. A lot.

I let myself be sad, angry, faithless, jealous, tired, and on the verge of giving up.

And then I go to sleep, wake up the next day, and choose to keep going. I am going to trust the process and lean on everyone who is willing to support me when I can’t stand on my own.

I immerse myself in my work. I assemble presents for other people, just because. I travel, but save my money for treatment and a home for my children one day. I eat healthy sometimes and not so healthy sometimes.

I walk. I read. I decide to fold up my dread and put it in a suitcase. I go to therapy. I miss therapy and owe the doctor $125. Oops…

I figure that my whole life, I have been trying to be perfect, and because this whole mess of infertility is deemed a flaw, I have been trying so hard to make up for this lack. My body is betraying me. I ache so much.

Still, I trust what my doctor tells me to do. Therapist and fertility specialist. I take the pills, I inject the HCG. I schedule the next appointment and hug my husband.

I hope it works.