I think it would probably kill me if I did another round of fertility treatment this month. I cannot remember a worse week than last week. I cried more than I ever have. I hurt more than I ever have. I can’t turn around and do it all over again. It’s beginning to feel like I’m getting on a rollercoaster hoping to be rewarded for my efforts and then getting off and being slapped in the face.
I am taking a break and checking in on my mental and physical health. I went to my doctor and he updated my medication prescription to help me with my brain chemistry. I’m going on walks again, cooking again, and treating myself like a human again.
While I do want to be a mom, the way I was handling the process had turned me into someone I don’t want to be…bitter, angry, impatient, and full of fear. I don’t want to be that way any longer.
I want to be the mom my kids need, and in order for me to be that mom I need to live again.
Live for real, not in waiting, not holding my breath, not for any reason but because I am here now and I have a heart that is beating, still yearning for my children, but also full of love for myself, because I matter, too.
elska 